This is a post, encouraging women in their midlife to trust in their own strength, courage, resilience, and perseverance. I am sharing my personal story to bring light to the impact of perimenopause and menopause on women's lives. Encouraging women to seek support and not suffer in silence. I’ve had enormous amount of shame around this story, so I’m celebrating my own courage in sharing it here with you. Just recently whilst attending a leadership for women in midlife workshop with Cynthia Mahoney, I realised something very profound. We were talking about the effects of Peri - menopause in our lives and I had an 'aha' moment. About 12 years ago I was working for a big corporation in an incredibly stressful role, which was compounded by an equally personally stressful time in my life. I became exceedingly depressed. I would sit in meetings and say and do all the right things but then I would go to the toilet and cry my eyes out and plan ways in which I could end my life. I was in deep despair and could not see my way out of my circumstances. I was in my mid forties.

I went to the doctor who prescribed me with an anti depressant medication. This medication had the most terrible impact on me and I became quite manic. My personality began to change and I found it impossible to wake up in the morning any time before 11 am. This was untenable in my situation, so I had to go cold turkey off this medication and onto a new medication that also had terrible side effects. I had to go off that medication, again cold turkey to be put back onto my initial medication on a lower dose. I continued to work during all of this time and also to run a household as a single parent of a nine-year-old child. My therapist at the time encouraged me to see a psychiatrist who I saw for 3x1 hr sessions. She never mentioned perimenopause or the hormonal changes that this can bring on. This psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar two disorder. She put me on antipsychotic medication, which within two days made me feel so psychotic, I was desperate to end my life. I stopped this medication after three days of hell, so she put me on an anti seizure medication which did nothing apart from making me gain 5 kg of weight in one week.

During this time I continued working, managing a small team, managing a single parent household and trying desperately to keep myself together with no familial support and I was living alone with my son. I was eventually put on lithium which is a mood stabiliser often used for the treatment of bipolar. It is is a very harsh drug, and you need to have a liver, kidney and thyroid function test every six months due to its impact on the body. Apart from all the physical symptoms that I had to manage, I had a lot of shame about being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I came face-to-face with all of my prejudices around mental health and had to deal with the prejudices of others. I changed my job, moved back to the country and took a year off work. I couldn’t find the Fran that could go out to work, so I took the odd painting job, a few small short contracts to get by and my son and I lived hand to mouth. I had hit rock bottom financially, but I was slowly recovering.

Skip forward five years, and I was in a role in a state government organisation where I was being bullied by my manager, I went to see another psychiatrist during this time and he undiagnosed me. He told me that I did not fit the symptoms of someone with bipolar two disorder and that I had been incorrectly diagnosed. He did say that I had some form of PTSD, which I can relate to, but that’s another story. He also told me that the medication that I was given would have no effect, even if I were bipolar two, which I knew was true as it didn’t really change how I felt (but did have some low level placebo effects). As you can imagine, I felt, relieved that I was not suffering from bipolar two disorder and also an incredible rage at all that I had been through due to this false diagnosis. I stopped my medication completely and have had no major depression since.

During the workshop all of the pennies dropped and I realised that what was happening to me was due to the hormonal impact of perimenopause. No one ever even mentioned this to me although I was in my early forties. I didn’t know anything about perimenopause or menopause. I feel really enraged that this happened to me and also that this happens so regularly to so many women. It’s so strange, I always felt that I had skipped through menopause with minimal side effects, but now I can see that that horrendous time in my life was due to Peri - menopause. I am sharing my story because I want to bring light to the complex and what can be very disturbing effects of perimenopause and menopause on a woman’s life. With the right support though I could’ve avoided those horrendous years!

Please women. If you think you may be experiencing symptoms of perimenopause I encourage you to get Support. You dont have to suffer like I did. There is a lot of help and advice out there for you. This is also why my dear friend Tess and I have developed this beautiful three day workshop No More Red in the Tent to honour the significant transitions of perimenopause menopause and the second spring in a woman’s life. Please consider joining us in May in Melbourne where you get to share your stories and be supported. You are not alone. We are not alone. Thank you for Reading this with love Fran

here is the website and booking page for No Moe Red In the Tent Retreat in Melbourne in May https://www.thefoundationtocomehome.org/no-more-red-in-the-tent